On Loneliness and Connection

And what we can learn from the butterfly

I am trying to be completely authentic and not strive in anything I do anymore. It turns out, this is very hard, especially when you are trying to build a business. I started to think about what I could write about that might draw people in, but nothing felt authentic. I then asked myself what is actually on my mind lately? What is true for me? The uncomfortable answer that came was: loneliness. Let’s take a look at what we can learn from the butterfly.

On Being Ill

Those who have struggled with the weight of chronic illness, autoimmune, or mystery symptoms that plague your life, I feel for you. I really do, because I was you. Looking “okay” on the outside, while living in a constant state of terror on the inside is an incredibly isolating experience. You try to explain to those you love what you are going through. At best, you receive a little compassion. At worst, you are not believed and gaslit. I experienced both of these responses and probably everything in between.

Some days I was sure I was dying, other days I was too terrified to move. Most days I was frantically searching for answers outside of my own body for help, barely surviving on the dopamine that small bit of control appeared to give me. And I was lonely. I was so lonely. This drove me to find comfort in the internet community of people who identified with chronic illness and symptoms attributed to mold, Lyme, toxins, etc. I had an answer now, right? And at least there were some people out there who believed me and were on the root cause protocol journey of stuffing their bodies with supplements, coffee enemas, and salt water.

This form of community is problematic for many reasons, but ultimately I believe it led me to where I am today. When you begin to identify with your illness for the sake of connection, very strong neural pathways become formed in your mind. All humans are wired for connection. When it is time to heal and de-identify, this can feel like losing the one thing that is keeping you understood and connected in this world.

I was a scared caterpillar who had no idea transformation was possible.

On Transformation

Somewhere in the process, those in the chronic illness community stumble upon the concept of true healing when learning about nervous system regulation. A small little fire called hope is lit somewhere in our psyche that offers an allure that we can’t seem to shake. Is there more? Is it possible? Could we fully heal and get back to our old lives?

In this stage it is rare to actually understand that your old life is what got you sick in the first place. But maybe for the first time ever a pesky little thought that you can actually fully heal has imbedded itself within you and now you have a new direction. So you go all in. You do brain retraining, regulation exercises, and gobble up as much information as possible. Maybe you go too hard too fast, but you see just enough change that you don’t stop. You stop taking your supplements and stop looking to every professional out there to heal you.

As you keep going, you may even learn that you have a true self that has been buried, maybe even for…forever. You might even start to realize that your old life, old boundaries, old understanding of things… is no longer serving you. You may find resistance from your mind and your body, but you also find even more hope. You are actually changing. You are not sure what you will become, but you are no longer a caterpillar anymore. You may start to lose relationships with those who validated your illness. You may not want to be in relationships with those who identify with chronic illness any longer. You may begin to feel lonely… again.

You are in the cocoon.

On Healing

Not all, but most people in this community realize somewhere along the way that they are not just healing chronic symptoms, but they are actually transforming into something into completely different. They are shedding an old, thick, layer of skin that has been protecting them from, well, everything, and the creature that is underneath is foreign, new, and a little bit wobbly.

A friend of mine posted something recently about when a butterfly emerges from their cocoon, there is a “goo” period. A period when they are most definitely not a caterpillar anymore, but where they are juuuuust learning to stretch their wings and come out of their transformational home. Bringing this analogy home to self healers, this “goo” period can be a little messy, slightly confusing, and very lonely. You don’t fit in with the caterpillars any longer, but you are not quite a butterfly either. You are still becoming.

Maybe you are still struggling with low vibrational thought patterns, but you are aware of them now and how they no longer serve you. Maybe your body still flares up and is trying to communicate and teach you some things. You aren’t ready to go climb a mountain, but you also don’t need to stay protected at home any longer. Maybe you are still learning what your boundaries are and things get a little messy for a time. It turns out that healing can bring a different level of loneliness that you never expected.

You are in the goo.

Keep Going

This stage can be difficult for many. We are meant to be in connection, but it deeply matters who we are in connection with. So what do you do when you are not quite attracting other butterflies yet, but you definitely aren’t connecting with caterpillars?

You keep going.

You continue on your transformational path, trusting that you will find the right people and that they will find you. You might just meet some people who are on a similar transformational path get what its like to be in the “goo.” Your vibration keeps rising and before you know it you are stretching your wings to fly for the first time in your entire existence? Keep going.

You will find the right people when you are on the right path of your alignment. The transformational process can be lonely, but loneliness isn’t a life sentence. Healing is possible. But transformation is so much better.